My Dang Phone

I don't have all the time in the world to get on my computer to update. But I do often try to update on my phone. However... I never actually check to make sure the post went through!! :-( And I just noticed three posts with PICTURES didn't go through over the past month or so. I'm so mad. I tried to post them again but now I think they'll all be out of order. Oh well.

I went to kite day with the two kids last week. This was the first year I could actually go because in year's past I was at school taking finals. Kite day has always been during finals week. This year I could finally go and Ellie's class went first. Although I was excited to go be with my baby girl, I wasn't too thrilled about flying a kite. I'm not very good at it and I was afraid that Ellie would have high expectations of me and I would disappoint her with my lack of skills in that department. Much to my surprise, she was an excellent kite flier herself and actually encouraged me and showed me that kite flying is about the experience and not about how long you can keep the kite in the sky or how high you can get it to go. Although, she was good at both of those as well. I had such a wonderful time with her. She is such a sweet and thoughtful girl.

Noah's class was next and it was hilarious! Simply adorable. He also had no expectations of me helping to fly his kite. He was perfectly happy just running around with his kite, hanging onto the kite itself, not just the string. It was so cute how happy he was to be doing it by himself. Man I love my two kids. They bring me so much joy.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking about them though and my heart aches with grief. Earlier this evening we had some friends over: their kids are younger than ours, their oldest is barely three. But I noticed something, that I've noticed before, but it really sunk in more today. I am not the most gentle mother. And I HATE it! I speak so harshly to my children and I don't know why. I didn't speak that way to the kids I nannied, I didn't speak that way when they were babies or toddlers, but somewhere along the line, the gentleness in me slipped away somewhat. I don't feel like I am mean or cruel or unfair to them. Although I guess one could argue that not being gentle to a 5 and 7 year old is unfair. But that's beside the point. I pray that I will be more gentle. And yet it seems Heavenly Father doesn't help me that much. Why? I don't understand why I have to get so anxious inside that I speak with such a harsh tone. The things I need to say to them would be much better received if I could take a deep breath and say it nicer. Why can't I do that in the heat of the moment? It makes me so angry with myself. The biggest problem is that while I am working on it, my kids are growing up. What kind of memories will they have of me? Will they remember how I took them to the peach orchards, the zoo, Sea World, the beach, the lake, hiking, the museums? Will they appreciate all the time and effort it took for me to plan to do all those activities (many times without hubby there)? I'm afraid that they will remember me getting onto them about rubbing their hands along the cars as we walk through the parking lot or scolding them for the way they didn't get a bowl to get their watermelon and instead tried to eat it right out of the serving bowl or setting them on timeout for getting side tracked when they were supposed to be doing their chores. That's what I am scared to death they will remember. Ugh and it makes me cry and cry and cry.

I love my kids so very much. I do everything for them. I'm always thinking of things to do with them or ways to make their life a little more interesting. Yet I wonder if it would be better for me to just stay home with them and sit and play a game (although we DO try to play games a lot as well) or read a book or just talk. I want them to feel my love for them and I'm afraid that my anxiety of doing everything right is messing them all up and interfering with their ability to feel my deep love for them. I hope that I can do a better job with Amelia and future children. And I hope I can convey this to Ellie and Noah before they get too old.