Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I’ll just ignore the fact that I’ve not written anything for months! Right now I’m sitting on a borrow air mattress in our very empty home. The home that we purchased 7 years ago when Ellie was 17 months old and I was 6 months pregnant with Noah. The home where I spent many days, weeks, months home alone with the kids because James was working 15-18 hour days, 7 days a week being a Military Training Instructor. The home where my kids all learned to walk and talk, where I built a sandbox and garden and set up inflatable pools to keep them busy and happy. I have many good memories of our family in this home. But we’ve definitely outgrown it and now we’ve sold it and we’re preparing to head to Alaska!

It’s funny though: our kids have had more fun with a completely empty house in the past couple days, than I think they’ve had with all their toys and things over the past couple months! They have a few blankets, pillows and a gallon-size Ziploc bag of Duplos to play with and yet it’s kept them laughing and running around and being silly for hours and hours. I haven’t heard them utter, “I’m bored” since the packers took all our household goods last week.

Everyday, it seems there is one more thing we add to our “to-do” list, whether it be here in San Antonio or for once we arrive to Wasilla. And it’s emotionally exhausting. Thankfully I don’t have to do it alone; James is an amazing husband and I love solving all our problems with him. Last night our two problems to work out were: being a one car family for three weeks (I’m not upset, I’m glad we sold our truck last night, but it’s still an adjustment) and how we’re going to get the five of us and our luggage and our two pets to the airport. We agreed on just getting two mini-van Taxi’s, which is going to end up costing us over $150, by the way, ugh.

James and I have always said how we'd love to unplug and raise our kids more how we were raised. Well it's truly about to happen and some of it is actually no choice of our own. In our new home we will have no Netflix, Roku or satellite television; we will get less Internet in our home than we currently get on our phones. I can’t believe I’m even the slightest bit upset, because we don’t watch that much t.v. but the thought of having to watch how much Internet we use each day just stresses me out a little bit. I’m happy that we’ll be spending more time away form the t.v. and computer, however I do think that it will take a little time for everyone to get used to it.

Oh and we have a septic tank which means we have no garbage disposal and when we called to set up our trash service, we discovered we're going to have to cut back the amount of trash to a quarter of what we throw out right now. I guess we'll be composting and recycling a lot more than we do now. I actually spent a couple hours researching worm composting! I know it won’t be hard per sey, to not throw food down the sink and to recycle our recyclables, but it’s just not something we’ve had to do before. I feel like this is going to be so much change all at once.

I think that the weather change is going to be a shock for the three kids (as well as me! Even though I claim to be a Minnesotan still, this San Antonio weather has messed me up a little over the past 7 years!) but I’m hoping that there will be so many new and fun things that they’ll not complain too much. I think they’ll be excited to run around in our big backyard. We currently live on less than a tenth of an acre and our new home is on two-thirds of an acre. I think they’ll love it! 

 

Mother's Day 2013

This was my most favorite Mother's Day ever! Ellie was so excited, it was almost the best part: to hear her anticipation days before Mother's Day! On Mother's Day, though, Ellie and Noah walked into my room and a bright and early 8:30 in the morning, much earlier than I had wanted. They had brought me breakfast in bed, but I wanted to be down with my children on Mother's Day for breakfast, simply because they were so excited. It seemed selfish to stay in bed and sleep. So we all went to the kitchen table and Ellie Belly brought me a BIN of wrapped presents. She was so excited. When I saw that they were wrapped using the entire brand new role of wrapping paper I had purchased to wrap Amelia's presents, it took everything in me to not say something to them. But let the record show that I was so sad that they had (once again) used wrapping paper without getting approval from me. (At Christmas, Ellie pulled out German wrapping paper that I had gotten in Germany, obviously, but never actually intended to use and I had a talk with her about asking before suing wrapping paper.) Anyway I opened each gift and they were all so wonderful. Homemade present from the kids, pictures and poems and vases of paper flowers. They mean the world to me. Such love and thought went into each of them. So so sweet. Then Ellis had donated $2 to James to purchase new sheets for me. I have been dying to buy new sheets. I have to admit, it totally left me so relieved. I was so worried that James would get me something unpractical, and while sometimes that's okay, I didn't want to be getting lavish or impractical gifts when we are trying to pay of debt. So it was good. James then helped me get the family ready for Church and we all went together. When the kids and I got home James had dinner ready and we ate a feast of his Chicken Alfredo w/Black Beans pasts dish he loves to make. The rest of the day we playing games as a family. It was perfect.

Speaking of debt. Have I mentioned that we paid off my Durango? YES! Last month! Now we are working on paying off our second to last credit card. Next month I have to start paying on my student loans... so that's going to be more money going to debt as well. We are so excited to still be pushing through. I'm a little sad to say that I do know we could be penny pinching a little more, but at this point James isn't wanting to feel that "no money" pain as much, so we've cut back on most things, but not everything.

Minnesota trip

If pictures are truly worth a thousand words, then this trip to Minnesota at Easter to visit my best friend from high school and her new baby, should require no explanations.

The Zoo

My Dang Phone

I don't have all the time in the world to get on my computer to update. But I do often try to update on my phone. However... I never actually check to make sure the post went through!! :-( And I just noticed three posts with PICTURES didn't go through over the past month or so. I'm so mad. I tried to post them again but now I think they'll all be out of order. Oh well.

I went to kite day with the two kids last week. This was the first year I could actually go because in year's past I was at school taking finals. Kite day has always been during finals week. This year I could finally go and Ellie's class went first. Although I was excited to go be with my baby girl, I wasn't too thrilled about flying a kite. I'm not very good at it and I was afraid that Ellie would have high expectations of me and I would disappoint her with my lack of skills in that department. Much to my surprise, she was an excellent kite flier herself and actually encouraged me and showed me that kite flying is about the experience and not about how long you can keep the kite in the sky or how high you can get it to go. Although, she was good at both of those as well. I had such a wonderful time with her. She is such a sweet and thoughtful girl.

Noah's class was next and it was hilarious! Simply adorable. He also had no expectations of me helping to fly his kite. He was perfectly happy just running around with his kite, hanging onto the kite itself, not just the string. It was so cute how happy he was to be doing it by himself. Man I love my two kids. They bring me so much joy.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking about them though and my heart aches with grief. Earlier this evening we had some friends over: their kids are younger than ours, their oldest is barely three. But I noticed something, that I've noticed before, but it really sunk in more today. I am not the most gentle mother. And I HATE it! I speak so harshly to my children and I don't know why. I didn't speak that way to the kids I nannied, I didn't speak that way when they were babies or toddlers, but somewhere along the line, the gentleness in me slipped away somewhat. I don't feel like I am mean or cruel or unfair to them. Although I guess one could argue that not being gentle to a 5 and 7 year old is unfair. But that's beside the point. I pray that I will be more gentle. And yet it seems Heavenly Father doesn't help me that much. Why? I don't understand why I have to get so anxious inside that I speak with such a harsh tone. The things I need to say to them would be much better received if I could take a deep breath and say it nicer. Why can't I do that in the heat of the moment? It makes me so angry with myself. The biggest problem is that while I am working on it, my kids are growing up. What kind of memories will they have of me? Will they remember how I took them to the peach orchards, the zoo, Sea World, the beach, the lake, hiking, the museums? Will they appreciate all the time and effort it took for me to plan to do all those activities (many times without hubby there)? I'm afraid that they will remember me getting onto them about rubbing their hands along the cars as we walk through the parking lot or scolding them for the way they didn't get a bowl to get their watermelon and instead tried to eat it right out of the serving bowl or setting them on timeout for getting side tracked when they were supposed to be doing their chores. That's what I am scared to death they will remember. Ugh and it makes me cry and cry and cry.

I love my kids so very much. I do everything for them. I'm always thinking of things to do with them or ways to make their life a little more interesting. Yet I wonder if it would be better for me to just stay home with them and sit and play a game (although we DO try to play games a lot as well) or read a book or just talk. I want them to feel my love for them and I'm afraid that my anxiety of doing everything right is messing them all up and interfering with their ability to feel my deep love for them. I hope that I can do a better job with Amelia and future children. And I hope I can convey this to Ellie and Noah before they get too old.

Kite Day

Video Monitoring

AAmelia went to daycare for the first time today. We've been waiting for them to open since before they ever announced they were building a new one near our home!! They had been hoping to open in January, but as in everything, there were delays and today was their opening day. I am so excited, as it will help with our stress level so much. But it also is sad to me, to be away from my baby. I don't know how it's any different, because she's been spending her days without me anyway at friend's houses. Somehow they is different to me.

It's not too bad though, because they have internet monitoring through "Watch Me Grow" where I can check in on her throughout the day. They have two cameras, one from each side of the room. Here you can see Amelia's head as she eats lunch in the high chair. I'm finding, however, that I have more fun sitting there watching her on my phone or computer, when I have things I need to be doing. I didn't work last night and don't have to work tonight, but I sent Amelia for a few hours today so she'd get a little used to it. She seems to be doing really great! She even took a nap, which made me so happy! At this moment she's playing with the provider and seems to be having a jolly good time.

Insomnia

This is why I don't blog! I seem to get too busy with life to be able to remember to write about it. Which is really frustrating to me, becasue my life right now, is so amazing; I want to be able to remember it forever. Work has been going okay for me. I lost a patient last week and that shook me up quite a bit. He came in with a chief complaint of vomiting and within three and a half hours, was dead. The doctor allowed the wife to come in the room in the midst of us doing CPR and when he did that I thought, "you have got to be kidding me! She doesn't want to see her husband like this!" but then I later realized that it gave her some sort of closure. It was hard for all of us to watch, though, becasue she was in complete anguish and I, personally, had never seen anything so personal. I've never had anyone close to me die either. After a patient dies, there is quite a bit of paperwork to do, including calling the organ donor people. While I was on the phone with them afterwards, they were asking me how the wife was doing, if she had any family with her, and how were they related to her. That's when I burst into tears, I couldn't even finish the phone call. I was so sad for this young family.

Other than that, work has been coming along. I find myself frustrated with my nursing school for not better preparing me for charting! That's what seems to slow me down the most. It's really hard to learn how to give a complete picture of the person I'm taking care of, in like three sentences. Mostly it ends up sounding like, "Breaths even and unlabored, NSR (normal sinus rhythm) on the monitor, pt (patient) denies pain, will continue to monitor" but what I really want to say is "Patient's breathing has slowed down to a normal rate since arrival, they have a normal sinus rhythm on the monitor, patient states that she is not in near as much pain as when she came in thanks to the pain medication I provided thirty minutes ago through her IV that I had started a few minutes prior to that, she rates her pain at a zero but complains of a still not feeling herself yet..." she what I mean?! LOL I want to literally write an entire chapter about my patient every time I have an encounter with them. But then sometimes my trainer gets onto me for not providing enough of a narrative and then I really feel screwed. Anyway I'm working on the charting thing. In all honesty though, I'm sure that it will take a year for me to get this all down!

Amelia had been doing really well, no signs of an ear infection, for a couple weeks. During that time she was eating like a horse. She is such a funny bunny. Anyway two days ago her ear infections came back and we are back to her eating next to nothing and crying out in pain every time she tries to sleep. So sad. She's getting so big though. She took her first steps on April 1st but still isn't too brave and has only worked up to three steps. Which I am fine with. She's still a baby for crying out loud! People have been commenting on her mullet she's been rocking recently, so I've begun to put her mullet part into two little pig tails. That makes her look like a toddler. It's cute and kind of sad too. But no need to worry, we'll be trying to have another baby soon enough!

Ellie is definitely my daughter. Man she drives me nuts sometimes, but only because I want to say "Ashley, you already learned about that" then I remember that she's not me. She has so much to say about school and other people. She told me the other night that she feels like she's so different from her peers. She can't figure out why no one wants to play with her at recess but yet everyone asks her for help in class. She says, "I'm so nice, why don't people want to play with me ever?" I couldn't explain that one to her, other than saying I had and still have the same problems. I guess we're just a little awkward somehow. Although, for the record, I feel more normal than most people I see in public!

Noah, he's sure my little pistol. He hates reading and has become behind in school, despite our best efforts. We practice with him every night, to no avail. But he's still just as thoughful and loving as ever. And I'll take that over reading skills at this point. Reading will come with time, but I'll only get so much sweet little boy before he grows up.

James and I are trying to plan the next two or three years of our family and everything that entails. Man life is so complicated, so many things to try to work out. But we are excited with what we've got in store. Hopefully God likes our plan too and allows us to go on our new planned adventures! I'll attempt to post some pictures of what we've been up to, but I'll probably not have the patience to write captions!

Laser

I love to play with my laser pointer with my cat. Today I've discovered I love to play with my baby with the laser pointer as well. It's amazing! I can sit there with the laser pointer creeping across the carpet and the cat and my baby both go chasing it!

I found you!

Noah was just playing with Amelia and I heard him "where's Amelia? Where IS Amelia?" As he searched around the family room. Then I heard, "there's my cutie pie! Come here to Noah!" And she always does! She adores him!

School Things

This was a post that I wrote last week, but it never posted! So now it's been three weeks since these happened!

Ellie had a project to do for school last week. This is the diorama she made for her desert unit. She is so creative and artistic, she definately takes after her dad and not me! I love watching my baby girl grow up into such a talented young lady.

Amelia had a fever last week--all week! We spent many late nights with her, trying to let her cool down and keep her mind off her ears. Her poor ears have had infection for three weeks. She is still a happy baby during the day, but she is miserable at night when she has time to think about the pain.

The kids had field day at school the day before Spring Break started. Ellie had fun running around with her friend Courtney, playing all the games and activities that were available. Noah was running around with his friend Zion. He was a pretty good jump ropper. I was so glad that I wasn't working or (dead tired from working!) so that I could go watch them. It's these moments that I miss and am sad that I missed for so many years while I was busy with school. I'm glad for every opportunity to watch them play and learn!

Surprise!! I got a text from Jonathan, one of the kids I nannied in Germany! He was on his Senior Class Trip here and I got to swing by the hotel and visit him! He was Ellie's age when I was his nanny. Oh my! I can't believe how time has flown! It seems like just yesterday that I was flying off on my adventure to Germany to be a live-in nanny for this family!

Laundry and Naps

I have been doing laundry all day long but now Amelia has laid down for her afternoon nap so I must lay down and take a nap as well. If I want to get a nap that is. So I climbed into bed despite the fact that I have piles of clean laundry on my bed waiting to be folded. And I was just thinking I should have done it this while hubby was deployed because sleeping next to this pile of clean clothes practically feels like I'm sleeping with another body in bed.

My Patient

Oh man, so much has happened and each day I think, "I have so much I want to remember!" but each day I end up spending that time with my kids and with my hubby and then I never get around to writing about it. It's a problem I need to figure out. Amelia is growing up way too fast! It's making me so sad because she is going to be one year old in two short months and I haven't soaked up enough of her babyhood yet. She is loving rolling balls around, playing with blocks and playing with her family. She lights up at the the sight of dad or Ellie or Noah. She loves to crawl as fast as she can and she loves to through both hands up in the air and pounce on something that she wants. She seems to always be in good spirits.

Ellie is killing me with growing up too. Each day she tries to do her best to help out around the house. Even though she doesn't always want to do her chores, she wants to help do my chores which is so nice of her. She did a great job selling her girl scout cookies the first time ever this year! She memorized her little speech to say to people and she did an amazing job remembering it all at each house. She has sold 115 boxes of cookies all by herself. And everyone seems to love her. Ellie is a piece of me in so many ways which makes me both happy and worried! I can't wait to watch her continue to grow into the kind young lady she is.

Noah has been doing soccer these past couple weeks. He loves having something of his own to do and I love that he enjoys it. Hubby enjoys taking him to his practices and games: I think it's one of those things a dad always looks forward to. Taking his son to sport practices and games. And Noah and daddy loves to go practice kicking the ball around at home as well. Noah began seeing a therapist to see if he can learn how to better cope with the changes we've had in our family over the past two years. I'm excited for him to feel more at peace inside and to be happier and better able to handle change. Because there is even a lot more change to come!

Hubby has been working hard on his college classes. He's currently taking two and it keeps him so busy on the weekends. He needs a break from life and just some time to relax but I'm not sure how or when he'll get that. But for the moment he's doing an amazing job being Super Dad! He gets the kids up for school each morning and gets all three kids dressed, fed and off to school and daycare. I'm usually at work still (I get home around 7:45) but even on the days I don't work Hubby doesn't even wake me up, he lets me sleep while he gets the two older kids up and off to school. Crazy man! Several evenings a week, he gets home from work and we eat dinner and I rush off to work, once again leaving him with three kids to clean up with and do bedtime routines. Not to mention, that he has to wake up twice and sometimes even three times a night with Amelia Bedelia to feed her. He's so good and I am lucky to be his wife. Speaking of being his wife: we celebrated our 8 year anniversary this Tuesday! I was at work, so we didn't do any celebrating other than phone calls of "I love being married to you"! But both of us agree that we are happier than we ever imagined. It's so amazing how life works out.

I had an emotional week. Well I'll back up a bit. So I have worked eight shifts on the unit so far. Two shifts on "days" and the rest on "nights". Last week I was getting into the swing of things, but only really caring completely for one patient, while helping with others. This week was the same. But this week changed my life. Well it changed my nursing life! I had a patient that coded and it shook me to the core. He lived and after that I kept wanting to throw myself on top of him and hug him with all my might and say "I'm so happy your alive"! But of course I didn't. It' something that I will remember for my entire life and it has change the way I think about things in so many ways. I wish I could tell all about the circumstances, but thanks to HIPPA, I can't. But I spent the next day after that, in a semi-daze, thinking about every little detail that surrounded that patient. It just made me realize that I love my patients so much and I don't care how old they are or where they came from or what they did or didn't do that brought them to me and I want them to get the absolute very best from me always. I didn't do anything wrong, although I spent many many hours going through all the "what-ifs". But I also didn't quite realize how much each person means to me while I have the opportunity to care for them, until that moment when he coded. I was devastated in a way I never knew I would be.

Other than that emotional day, I am loving every second I have at work. I love my co-workers. I love the doctors. I love my patients. I just love the opportunity to help people. (I know I may seem so cliche or sappy, but it's true: I love what I do and everything about it.)  I am sad being away from my kids because I know that I missing some moments, but I am thankful for life I have. I love being a mom, a wife and a nurse. I think that working nights is perfect for me because I still get to have dinner with my family every single night. And I only miss three days a week away from my loves. And it's not even all day. Only until 3 or so. I think it's a good balance.

I'm going to try to write more during the days forward, but it may be more one-liners and not entire stories, because I may just write from my phone. And I will most likely post pictures without explanations as well, like I did the other day. But I simply don't want the time to sit down at the computer all the time and write. I enjoy my time I do have at home and want to spent it with my kids and hubby. The only reason I have time tonight is because Hubby is at a sleep study tonight! :)